The one about anxiety.
Hello!
Long time, no writing. I'm sitting here today wondering how to write this all down, but I'm determined to give myself accountability, focus and part of that is to be authentic and write how it is.
I have always been a sensitive person. As I child I was very aware of others' feelings and found this helpful so I could mold myself into what I needed to be, to be "good" or "clever". As a teenager this awareness started to get more intense and if I look back now, I recognize I was over-sensitive to what others thought and that it eventually made me give up music and performing which I loved, as I became too heightened to enjoy it anymore.
Things eased up slightly as an adult and my sensitivity led to me being drawn into jobs of helping others. Through being a telephone counsellor, disability support person, sexual abuse support worker, palliative health care assistant, and therapist, I was able to use my empathy in a good way, to help others and connect in times of tremendous difficulty.
In 2017, I started becoming unwell. I was going to the doctors for blood tests - determined to fix the churning stomach, light headedness, and difficulty sleeping. My doctor (bless her) screened me for kidney, liver, pancreas function. She tested my white cell counts and checked for iron (which for once - was at a great level). Her conclusion was that I was healthy as a horse. I felt so disheartened.
Then my body started rejecting wine. It sounds amusing, but I'm not talking rejecting after an all night bender, I'm talking one glass of white wine at dinner would have me vomiting at 3am without fail. The two glasses of white wine I had at my wedding kept me up all night (and not in a good way!)
Along the way in 2018 I lost my knitting mojo. What had once brought me great joy and was my sanity at times of stress, now felt stressful and unsatisfying. My one coping strategy for a bad day was not soothing me, I was feeling empty when crafting.
We were fortunate enough to go on a magnificent overseas honeymoon four months after our wedding to Europe. And on our first night in Paris everything came to a head. I was unable to sleep. I lay awake the entire night CONVINCED that something bad was going to happen. The rational part of my brain was telling me to stop being ridiculous. The more primal part of me was adamant that I was in danger. My flight or fight response was triggered, despite there being no risk of harm. My teeth were chattering and my whole body shook from excess adrenaline for close to three hours.
As I watched a grey dawn start breaking (I was constantly pacing by this point) I had a moment of realization. My symptoms that had been coming on for the last year were related. The racing heart and queasiness were connected to something that was not a physical illness, but a much harder issue to address....anxiety. I had never really spoken to my doctor about anxiety. Sure, she always said I needed more breaks from work and I should actually use annual leave, but I had fobbed her off as I was "fine".
Back in Paris as the sun started to come up I made a deal to myself. One day at a time. I was in such a magnificent place, on a trip that my husband and I had saved for years to make happen, and I was NOT going to waste this incredible part of my life. We went to the Notre Dame that day and as I perched next to a gargoyle I tried to really breathe in what I saw. I started using techniques that I hadn't used in years, of grounding myself with each of the five senses at that present moment. And despite feeling exhausted and emotionally wrung out, with muscles aching from the spasming the night before, I was excited and happy to be where I was at that point in time. It was like my view had stopped being fuzzy around the edges and was now clear.
Don't get me wrong, people have anxiety much worse than I do, but this is my story of my experiences that I had to write down. We have been home for over a month and have only felt ready to do this now, I'm thinking of it as a final step for me and find writing cathartic. We spent a wonderful 6 weeks on holiday and in that time, the stress I had been carrying with me started ebbing away. By the time I got home I felt refreshed, healthy, and even picked up a slight tan (usually an impossible feat for me!)
I am writing this I guess as a reminder. A reminder to be good to myself. To have high expectations is a good thing - but only if the expectations are realistic and worthwhile. It is good to strive to be the best version of myself, it is not good to beat myself up when I perceive I have made a mistake or have "failed". This has also invigorated the way I see knitting and pattern design. I now feel I have clarity and purpose towards what my goals are (more on that another day).
Above all, my biggest goals at this time are to continue being thankful for having a wonderful husband who gets me and appreciates me, having fantastic friends in my life, and monitoring my wellbeing - as I believe everyone should.
That's enough for today in what is my biggest post ever. It has felt good getting the words out.
A x
P.S. I went to my doctor when I got home to discuss all of this, she agreed with all of my symptoms attributing to my mental health and that they had gone away at this time due to relaxing and self-care. Also, I can drink wine again with no problems - yipee!
Long time, no writing. I'm sitting here today wondering how to write this all down, but I'm determined to give myself accountability, focus and part of that is to be authentic and write how it is.
I have always been a sensitive person. As I child I was very aware of others' feelings and found this helpful so I could mold myself into what I needed to be, to be "good" or "clever". As a teenager this awareness started to get more intense and if I look back now, I recognize I was over-sensitive to what others thought and that it eventually made me give up music and performing which I loved, as I became too heightened to enjoy it anymore.
Things eased up slightly as an adult and my sensitivity led to me being drawn into jobs of helping others. Through being a telephone counsellor, disability support person, sexual abuse support worker, palliative health care assistant, and therapist, I was able to use my empathy in a good way, to help others and connect in times of tremendous difficulty.
In 2017, I started becoming unwell. I was going to the doctors for blood tests - determined to fix the churning stomach, light headedness, and difficulty sleeping. My doctor (bless her) screened me for kidney, liver, pancreas function. She tested my white cell counts and checked for iron (which for once - was at a great level). Her conclusion was that I was healthy as a horse. I felt so disheartened.
Then my body started rejecting wine. It sounds amusing, but I'm not talking rejecting after an all night bender, I'm talking one glass of white wine at dinner would have me vomiting at 3am without fail. The two glasses of white wine I had at my wedding kept me up all night (and not in a good way!)
Along the way in 2018 I lost my knitting mojo. What had once brought me great joy and was my sanity at times of stress, now felt stressful and unsatisfying. My one coping strategy for a bad day was not soothing me, I was feeling empty when crafting.
We were fortunate enough to go on a magnificent overseas honeymoon four months after our wedding to Europe. And on our first night in Paris everything came to a head. I was unable to sleep. I lay awake the entire night CONVINCED that something bad was going to happen. The rational part of my brain was telling me to stop being ridiculous. The more primal part of me was adamant that I was in danger. My flight or fight response was triggered, despite there being no risk of harm. My teeth were chattering and my whole body shook from excess adrenaline for close to three hours.
As I watched a grey dawn start breaking (I was constantly pacing by this point) I had a moment of realization. My symptoms that had been coming on for the last year were related. The racing heart and queasiness were connected to something that was not a physical illness, but a much harder issue to address....anxiety. I had never really spoken to my doctor about anxiety. Sure, she always said I needed more breaks from work and I should actually use annual leave, but I had fobbed her off as I was "fine".
Back in Paris as the sun started to come up I made a deal to myself. One day at a time. I was in such a magnificent place, on a trip that my husband and I had saved for years to make happen, and I was NOT going to waste this incredible part of my life. We went to the Notre Dame that day and as I perched next to a gargoyle I tried to really breathe in what I saw. I started using techniques that I hadn't used in years, of grounding myself with each of the five senses at that present moment. And despite feeling exhausted and emotionally wrung out, with muscles aching from the spasming the night before, I was excited and happy to be where I was at that point in time. It was like my view had stopped being fuzzy around the edges and was now clear.
Don't get me wrong, people have anxiety much worse than I do, but this is my story of my experiences that I had to write down. We have been home for over a month and have only felt ready to do this now, I'm thinking of it as a final step for me and find writing cathartic. We spent a wonderful 6 weeks on holiday and in that time, the stress I had been carrying with me started ebbing away. By the time I got home I felt refreshed, healthy, and even picked up a slight tan (usually an impossible feat for me!)
I am writing this I guess as a reminder. A reminder to be good to myself. To have high expectations is a good thing - but only if the expectations are realistic and worthwhile. It is good to strive to be the best version of myself, it is not good to beat myself up when I perceive I have made a mistake or have "failed". This has also invigorated the way I see knitting and pattern design. I now feel I have clarity and purpose towards what my goals are (more on that another day).
Above all, my biggest goals at this time are to continue being thankful for having a wonderful husband who gets me and appreciates me, having fantastic friends in my life, and monitoring my wellbeing - as I believe everyone should.
That's enough for today in what is my biggest post ever. It has felt good getting the words out.
A x
P.S. I went to my doctor when I got home to discuss all of this, she agreed with all of my symptoms attributing to my mental health and that they had gone away at this time due to relaxing and self-care. Also, I can drink wine again with no problems - yipee!
Comments
Post a Comment